You promised me forever.

Your tears will never fall like rain, watching me walk the isle. I'll never wear your ring on my finger, or that white wedding dress.

Not for you.

Because hopes of forever and a none chocolate wedding cake are gone.

Gone with you.

We'll never put up our own tree, or hang worn out stockings in our cheep apartment. Because you'll never love me, and we'll never share sheets again.

You will never be my valentine. No amount of paper hearts can change that. But I still cut them out.

You won't be the one I tell my daughters about. You won't keep the title of my one and only. I'll take that back, someday.

You'll be striped of your honor and banished from my kingdom.

Someday my knight in shining armor will wear diapers, and he'll call me mommy. His Daddy will be the kindest king there ever was. And I'll be Queen of our castle.

I will be happy.


And you won't cross my mind.

I'll cross yours. She'll insist on chocolate, and you'll miss me.

Your preacher will ask for objections, and it'll will be you who can't find peace much less hold it.

Because in your head it's my innocent kiss you long for. It's my smile you miss, and my love you wish for on every star.

It's my void you can't fill.

And you'll run, and run, and run. The way you should have ran after me.


I'll be in Jamba Juice. With a toddler in my stroller, and a baby in my belly. My ring will sparkle, and my face will glow. "Because it's a girl" the cashier says. And you'll see, everything you let go of.

Your tears will fall like rain. And your heart will break, just like mine did so many years ago.

I'll speak as if you'd hear me, and you'll listen like the leaves.

Hungry hands tear at my tissue paper skin. Every breath feels like the oceans swell, and I can taste my heart beating at the back of my throat.

This is it Sally. This is the unattainable glory your empty heart aches for, and yet your insides are a rainstorm.

Love is poison and my addiction is irreversible. So I'll turn all the oven knobs and lay my soul on the stovetop. Fill my cup and hide the bendy straws. Love is a poison, and I'm afraid I've started to build a tolerance for it.

You can kiss me with the kitchen knives, and I'll sing to you from the all the places I run. Pack our hearts in a picnic basket and return only pieces of mine. Broken is all I've known, broken is all I am.

The scars from scolding water fade, but these memories never will. They whistle and they wail and they always bring me back to your name. My desperate hopes grow love like weeds and hate like green grass. The dandelions tell me to run, but I've become accustom to the pain inside these fences.

Time can't heal all wounds

I guess I'd sing to you now, if I could.

I'd sing to you like pine cones sing to the wind just before they hit the ground.
I'd sing to you like all my empty note book pages sing to me.

I'd sing to you like fire escape ladders sing to offbeat teenage girls, on Thursday nights.

I guess I'd grow for you now. Darling. Because all this pain has rooted my roots deeper and the blood from my veins keeps our soil moist.

If my tired bones keep reaching for the heavens at least we can hold out hope that there is one.

I guess if my stick stem arms can keep mangling themselves for the sunlight so can my heart.

I guess I would, if I could.

The weight of water.

Rain fell from the computer screen.
The backdoor didn't slam and the milk stayed on the fridge shelf.
White noise plays,
on every station in my heart.

My desk chair is lonely. It's white washed bones call out to me.

Run.
Run home.



They all close their eyes and turn their cheeks.

But the blood from the bathtub is bound to overflow.

I've found true freedom.

I sat in a plastic chair and he defined true love. Simplicity and his shop teacher mustache convicted me.

Heartbreak feels like home to me now.

We we're standing in the road. Tangled in eachothers arms, laughing, when my heart chose you and my head battened down the hatches.

The snow melted quicker that spring.

I sat on the grass indian style and we prank called you and your friends.

I thought my recovery was miraculous.

I stood there dripping water on my grandma's bathroom floor texting J.P.K reverse. Old feelings flooded faster than the bathtub.

You promised to be my Prom date.

We sat close together in a slide tower and you asked me to ask you to stay. We kissed carelessly and your eyes always told the truth.

That summer melted innocence.

I stood in the kitchen and you say on the counter. Quesadilla's and comedy's. routines and orange rockstars. Couch cushion kisses and more memories than I can count.

We found refuge in each other.

I say on stone steps and held my phone to me ear. St. George to San Diego didn't feel so far. I cried and you told me we'd always have each other.

Holding my cousin changed meaning that November.

I stood outside your empty house and my heart long for yours like thirst longs for water.

I was naive, and hopeless hopeful.

We sat in the backseat and kissed in the tunnel. We lost track of all worries and I felt your heartbeat with mine. But I walked out of the Walgreens empty handed and you yelled at me for crying.

I made myself blind to it.

I stood alone. And I knew it was falling apart. We lost more than cell service, and you didn't ever climb a mountain to talk to me.

You kissed her, and threw it all away.

I sat on my bed. And called your phone. I held my head high and let years stream down my cheeks. I had seen in coming and waiting for it had been my choice.

Heartbreak makes death seem painless.

I struggled to stand while I was falling apart. My wrists became my refuge and I waited for my saving grace. I lost things and found things.

I'm never going back there.

It's been a journey. I've sat on my knees and hoped to the heavens. I stood in dark places and blamed you for putting me there. I've laid on sticky kitchen floors and waited for your forgiving approval. But being where I am now, I thank you. I leave you here, but I want to thank you for everything.

I stand now. On my own two feet. Stronger than I've ever been. My hearts taking its time but I'm not waiting. Its everywhere i've been that takes me where i'm going. The wind blows threw my long hair, and I never get enough sleep. And for once I'm happy with myself.

It takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

You killed our love fern.

To my SunShine boy,

I poked myself with our cactus the other day. It wasn't pleasant, but I just can't bring myself to get rid of it. We are similar you know? This cactus and me. Resilient. It really deserves a better home. But you didn't want it, so it sits atop the tv you gave me when you moved. It lacks water and is still small. And that's where we differ. I've grown. I've changed.

You made me.

I wrote you letters and songs, and sang to the moon hoping you'd hear. I screamed and bled and almost lost the laughter.

But I'm resilient you know.

I used to flash back, to the kitchen kisses and water fights. I used to miss staying up to fix things and sneaking out for midnight romance. There are rare occasions when I remember Walgreens and crying into your pillow. In those moments I missed you tenderness.

Now all I miss is the kindness you used to posses.

I still don't understand how I lost all my worth in your eyes so quickly. I don't know why breaking me was easier than sacrificing us. And I'll never know what that night was for you.

But I'm resilient you know.

You left me in a desert. And hoped cold bloodedness would grow on me.

But It hasn't yet.

Being worthless is all i've ever known.

Wrist watches will kill me someday.